How to break a script for a relationship that makes us suffer?

Stories are changing, but the essence remains the same – the heroes or heroines of the next novel do not make our lives neither happier nor stable, but they make them suffer. If we constantly choose these partners, then most likely, depending on a certain type of relationship.

Studies of the brain show that dependence on any process, whether it is gambling, uncontrolled food absorption or unhealthy relations, affects us according to the same principle.

First, pleasure begins to firmly associate with a certain action. Later we are trying to regain a feeling of bliss, no matter what it costs us. And if the brain reads the state of destructive chaos as the most welcome, it will stubbornly strive for

it again and again. So the wheel of dependence is launched, which over time only gains momentum.

Recognize addiction

If we constantly choose an inappropriate person, it is important to figure out why the brain defines it as the most successful candidate. As soon as we are aware of these reasons, it will be easier to get rid of addiction and never get on its hook again. Perhaps this resembles the emotions that we experienced in childhood or adolescence.

The paradox is that the brain defines the most familiar feelings and emotions as optimal and safe: even those who did not make us happy

The brain, as it were, has already carried out “work on the mistakes”, analyzed the relations significant for us, remembered the script and now respond only to meetings with those who promise the repetition of experiences, which for various reasons he liked it so much.

If we were ignored and humiliated for a long time, we, without even agreeing with such a state of affairs, begin to internally perceive it for granted. Think about the fact that it is better to meet with the discomfort of new behavioral habits than to live in the illusion of security.

Steps to help the brain change the stable stereotype:

1. Remember all relationships in which you were not happy

Be honest with yourself and try to analyze what exactly it seemed to you so attractive in people with whom you obviously were not on the way.

2. If right now you are in a destructive union for you, an association with a cigarette will help you

It is unrealistic to quit smoking while you know exactly that a pack of nicotine is tempting you in your pocket. You will never become free if you do not get rid of what slowly poisons your life, whether it be cigarettes or a alliance with a person. Think about the ways of exit from the relationship toxic for you.

3. Remind yourself that your needs are no less important than the needs of a partner

It would be nice to designate them on paper. Surely you want your desires to respect, your words have heard that you are appreciated, worried about you, and be true to you.

4. Changing the needs of the brain, which selectively reacts only to those relations in which it is bad, not so simple

However, it can be gradually retrained. If you meet a new person whom you see your potential partner, start initiating and noting – it is better even to record – those episodes that do not repeat the previous experience.

For example, you told a person that you were upset in his behavior, not afraid to scare him away with this. You discussed what happened, and he reacted to this with understanding. He had a difficult period, and you supported him (in practice or in words). He did not take it silently, but told you how important your participation.

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